My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
we’re dead?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge