My funeral better have a fkn merch table
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.