My funeral better have a fkn merch table
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
blocked.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
this independent good boy don’t need no human
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.