Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

thank god the sign was there

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.