My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?