My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)