My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer