[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁![]()
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
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If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Coffee for people with no kids
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts