Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.