Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Teamwork makes the dream work.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.