Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

fourth time’s the charm

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

waiting for halloween be like:

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.