Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.