[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I don’t have time to exaggerate, I have a million things to do today
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.