when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Art by Pastelkatto
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
he looks great for his age
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.