Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.