Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”