[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.