Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

I can’t stop watching this.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Previously On Persistence 😎

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.