[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
pelicons
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal