Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?