[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
You Might Also Like
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣