Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.