[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
You Might Also Like
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.