Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

birds and squirrels envy us

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.