@aidanjsears

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

@Hobo_Splendido

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@caithuls

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@humanaaron

[4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

@SoVeryBritish

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

@HenpeckedHal

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

@theshantilly

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.