a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
You Might Also Like
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
me: *sneaks into the house*
wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent
me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.