[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
my retirement plan is braless
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*