Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.