[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I’ve had relationships like this
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer