[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Oh boy, $150,000!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS