Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

when there are deer in the woods

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.