(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster