Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

I saw nothing

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.