(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
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If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
damn he’s good
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
a McRib killed my tapeworm
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.