Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam