Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Bread puns are on the rise!

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy