Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?