Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..