My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
blocked.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Customer is always right
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people