My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I feel attacked.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.