Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I feel seen

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”