Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

This classic never gets old . . .

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*