Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.