Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth