My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
This fish is cracking me up
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.