Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

dude it’s called proctologist

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.