My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
no one likes gloating
I put the I in Insufferable.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.