My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
This one, by a wide margin
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.