My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality