Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

[on my way back to the posting caves]

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”