Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

🤭😂

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.