Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

My kitchen overserved me.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Geez man, take it easy.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace