Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

liiiiiiiiike

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Ugh

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week