my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no