my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet