My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
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My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir