My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
nobody’s gonna understand
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Like sleeping!
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
