My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
I’m good, thanks.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
