Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine