My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in