My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Try and stop me.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.