My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
do horses think humans are hats
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.