My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
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When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.