My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN