My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
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Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
❤️❤️❤️
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Bread puns are on the rise!
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call