Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]