My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
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Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My Plans 2020
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No