Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

The Punning Dead.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

ㅤ

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.