Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

😤😤

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.