My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Camel dough
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently