My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.