Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Couple goals

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

realest tweet ever.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”