My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Body by cheese-puffs.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*